My dad and I left my mom on Sunday. We now live in a shady, single bed motel in Buena Park. Coool. I'm at the library right now, cause we have no wireless at our new home. I walked and it was sweaty and hot. An old guy on a bike hit on me. I keep a positive attitude by telling myself that this will make good material for the book I write someday. Mmhmm.

Applied for jobs at Red Robin, Walgreens, and CVS so far to supplement my income from teaching swimming lessons again this summer. We're trying to save up enough for an apartment. I want to be a Pharm Tech...that'd be ideal. They make decent money. My dad's trying to get a job working the graveyard shift at Walgreen's.

I think my internet time is up now. Ttyl!

I tried to run 10 miles today, but I was so bored on the treadmill that I only ended up doing 7. I wish the weather was nicer here right now.

Weirdest thing happened to me today...I went to go pee, and this girl was standing outside of the bathroom. I figured maybe her friend was inside, puking her drunk guts out. The girl looked at me apologetically and began this conversation:

Her: Sorry...could you wait a minute?
Me; Yeah, sure, that's fine.
Her: Two of my guys friends are inside and I don't want you to be weirded out when you walk in...
Me: Oh, that's ok, I can wait.
Her: Soo how are you liking PA weather?

(The rest of the conversation was meaningless chatter to fill awkward silences).

OK, so I was wrong about my drunk friend hypothesis. But the fact that there were two guys in our restroom (my floor is all girls) wasn't even the weird part. When the bathroom door finally opened, I saw two kind of hot guys walk out (they may have been hotter because of their scent...mm they smelled good). The taller/hotter one saw me and froze. He quickly turned back around and went into the bathroom again...and then I heard a flush...and a couple seconds later, another flush. The shorter guy who was still outside said, "Aw what a gentleman, he went and flushed."

Wait...what?! Were they really planning on not flushing? And is flushing considered gentlemanly? Maybe it's some weird guy thing...whatever. The level of hotness of those two guys lowered considerably after that incident.

UPDATE: 

Ok so I walked into the bathroom again to go shower, and there was pee in both of the urinals. Ew (I don't know why we have urinals in our all-girls bathroom so don't ask me).

Then I got in the shower. Fast forward. I turned off the shower when I was done, and suddenly I heard male voices echoing in the bathroom. CRAP. I awkwardly waited in the stall for a few minutes, but they were having a full on conversation with this girl that was in there to brush her teeth. So I manned up, and walked out of the shower stall in all my only-toweled glory. They looked at me with huge eyes when they saw me, and they decided to make it really awkward and yelled "OH MY GOD THAT GIRL IS SO CREEPED OUT BY US!"

So weird.

I had the scariest nightmare I've ever had last night. I didn't end up going to sleep until like 10:15 am, and that was only supposed to be a nap before class at 11:15, but that failed and I ended up missing class. I was punished with this terrible dream. I'm still a little terrified, not gonna lie.

In the dream, I was skipping class in order to sleep in (Sound familiar?). I woke up and I was all groggy, and I then realized that I had a new roommate that lived downstairs...we lived in this strange apartment that had a loft, which is where my bed was. My new roommate was pregnant. My mom texted to tell me what topics were OK to write about for the essay I have to do for English (the class I missed), and I was wondering why my mom knew these things. She texted me saying it's OK to miss class every once in awhile.

Then my mom and my Aunt Linda came to my dorm to visit me. At this point in time, my roommate went into labor, but she was taken off to the basement to give birth. The basement was like 7 stories down and it was dark and wet and creepy...a basement straight out of a horror movie. We started walking downstairs, and I got that strange dream knowledge...the type where you don't see it happen and nobody tells you it happened, but you know it happened. This knowledge was the fact that my roommate had died giving birth. We were walking down to her funeral.

The dream did not include the actual funeral...at this point it fast-forwarded to afterwards, when my mom, my aunt Linda, and I were starting to walk back upstairs to go to my room. My aunt Linda is kind of a loud woman (she's hilarious, but very opinionated), and she was talking about how my roommate died. She was talking about how appalled she was that the mother just passed out and died with the baby in her arms, as if it were the mother's fault that she died and that it was irresponsible of the mother to not wait until somebody else was holding the baby to keel over.

I started getting a little nervous at that point because I noticed vents right next to us, and I knew that sound was traveling through the vents and carrying to the entire building, which meant the family of my roommate would be able to hear everything my Aunt Linda was saying. I was going first in the procession of the three of us up the stairs, and I turned my head back to warn my Aunt Linda that she should probably not say stuff like that just yet. Then I kept walking.

Just as I started walking again, my dream vision flashed to an image of a man in a clown mask clenching this gigantic knife in his fist. He was standing in the basement and staring straight ahead, at this ladder that was the alternate route up to the top of the apartment building. He was breathing heavily. My dream knowledge informed me that this was my roommate's husband. He was muttering something at the ladder about how he had "heard everything, alright" and then he started climbing up the ladder, at an alarmingly fast pace. 

My vision then flashed back to what my eyes should have been seeing, which was the stairs in front of me. I started running up the stairs, because I knew this scary clown guy wanted to kill me. Then I finally reached a ladder that was at the top of the stairs, which we had to climb to get up to my loft. I jumped on, and started climbing as fast as I could. I was almost at the very top, and thought maybe I was safe. Then my entire vision was obstructed by a pair of giant plastic looking lips in between two of the ladder rungs, and a knife sticking out of them. A menacing voice said "NOW I'LL KILL ONE OF YOUR LOVED ONES" to Linda.

I gasped at the sight of the knife and the lips, and I knew I was a goner. I started hyperventilating as I saw the knife being thrusted towards my stomach area...

and then I woke up, covered in sweat and still hyperventilating. I was gasping so loudly, that I was surprised my roommate hadn't woken up.




Moral of the story: Go to class. Please.

 

I had the biggest fail of an April Fools' Day prank ever. It was like 3 am last night, and I thought it would be funny to block like 20 of my friends that comment on my Facebook the most, and to tell them that I deleted my Facebook. Too bad only like 4 people noticed so far...hahaha. I also found out that once you block a friend, you have to re-friend request them and it deletes their comments. Dang...bye, bye memories.

My room has smelled funny the past few days, and I finally discovered the source of the smell today. My roommate decided to clean out the freezer like a week ago I guess, and threw out a pint of ice cream that nobody wanted. Problem with this: First of all, she threw it out in our room's trashcan. Second of all, she MISSED the trashcan, and it landed in between the trashcan and my dirty clothes hamper. The ice cream then melted all over my dirty clothes (my hamper's made out of cloth, so it leaked through the bottom). My hamper and some of my clothes are ruined. I had to clean up the entire thing by myself, because she's out at a thing for her business frat. Bleh. Oh well, I'm over it. Kind of.

I'm afraid I won't be ready for the marathon in May. Training here sucks, with cold weather and 20 minute limits on treadmills.

I think I'm obsessed with SparkPeople. And Twitter. Oh my.

...a place to pour out all my emotions. Maybe I'll do it here. 

I'm getting a little scared...now that I've seen leaves change color and fall onto the ground, now that I've seen how wide the sky really is and how bright the stars can be, now that I've felt the cold night air turning my cheeks pink, I can't imagine not having all of this. What if I go back home and realize that here is where I want to be? I wish I could force all of the people I love to come here with me, so I could have the best of both worlds.

As for Prop 8, I will post this weekend, because I have a lot on my mind concerning it and some of the posts I've read about it. 

I love Lee Pace. He makes me melt...I'm not sure if I love him because of his character in Pushing Daisies or just because he has the cute "innocent" face.

Today I saw an anti-abortion group of protestors outside of our Student Union...one was holding a sign that said "Hitler was wrong for killing Jews, and you're wrong for killing babies." They gave me a booklet cartoon about how I'm going to Hell, and how I should repent immediately. They gave me steps to saving my soul: read the bible everyday, pray to God everyday, and confess your sins.

I had a really long review session for my EdPsych class tonight.

I eat everything in sight...I don't know if that's normal for people that live in dorms. I think it's because I'm less busy, so I have more time to just hang out and eat.

I want a 4.0. I don't know if it's possible.

I'm jealous of people that hang out with high school friends every night! It makes me nostalgic.

I'm not in the mood to write much else...I've been a lazy bum today. 

I wish I wrote things down every single day...I liked that short period in my life where I posted on greatestjournal every day...I can always go back and remember how I was feeling/what I was doing at that time. It feels like it's even more important for me to write every day now that I'm far from home and very confused, yet slowly figuring things out. I feel like if I don't put these thoughts to paper (or...to internet haha), then the four years I spend here, figuring myself out will be put to waste...forgotten, in time. Plus I really like how blogspots/xangas/livejournals give you this different perspective on people...like I love being able to read about Doris's life, even though we're not as close as we once were. I'm not being a creeper, just things like that make me happy, because I love learning new things about people, and losing touch is something that scares me.

For some reason, I feel like I have to impress my Xanga readers...which is why I only post every so often, and with posts that do more than just describe my day and random thoughts of the moment. So I've decided to use this blog, which only like 3 people know about, to post about my day. I don't think I'll "Friends only" it right now, since so few people know about it anyways and because I kind of like the risk of it being discovered by someone that knows me, but doesn't know what I'm posting here. My goal for this blog is to eventually be completely honest with it, 100% of the time...I don't want to hold back what I say for fear of people finding out and judging me for it. But then again, that'll take some time...I have to warm up to it, like I would with any new friend.

A few things on my mind right now:

It would have been so much easier, in every way, to go to a school in California. I would've already had a friend or two (or at least an acquaintance), and that would have made me more comfortable, so I would've been more outgoing. I sometimes get insanely jealous when I see/hear about all my friends hanging out with my other friends in college...it just sounds so fun to me, and so...easy. Not that it's easy to go to a UC/CSU school (no matter what, you're still in a school full of unfamiliar faces after spending 6 years with the same people), but still, it's a lot different being able to see even one person that's been a part of your past life while trying to make sense of your present.

But then again, I didn't want easy. I wanted complete isolation, a chance to throw myself out into a strange place and see whether I would float or sink. I wanted an escape. I wanted to learn about myself in a completely uncomfortable environment. I wanted to be able to learn to love my family again, and I could only do that by loving them from afar for awhile. I am learning...learning so much, and I love that part of being here. Learning that there are certain things that I will never be able to escape from. Learning about what I want to do in the future. Learning that I'm not quite ready to let go. Learning that it takes some time for me to fully "blossom" in a new environment...I'm not an instant crowd-pleaser. Learning that I can get a whole lot done if I really put my mind to something. Learning that I really am a "long-term" optimist...I can be pessimistic about the "here and now" at times, but I do, usually, believe that in the end, things will work out.

But I do miss my friends, and Oxford, terribly. It's weird to think that this is my life, now. This place is so different from anything I'm used to. But I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming a better person. Mostly, I feel like I'm becoming stronger...and not just on the outside, like "Hey I'm fine" while my insides are absolutely crumbling, but a real strength that's becoming part of who I am. My outlook on life is slowly changing, but I feel like it's changing for the better.

I do feel very alone, though. I eat most meals by myself, and while I like to tell myself that I'm OK with that, I'm not. I've devised a system though...most of the time, when I know I'll have to eat alone, I just grab a sandwich from the Organic food store and bring it up to  my room, all the while convincing myself that I don't have time to go to the dining hall because "I have too much to do." It's usually not true, but that's alright. I get pretty jealous when I hear people laughing and talking outside in the quad area while I'm in my dorm, but it's now become more of a happy nostalgic jealousy...like "i used to have that." I know that eventually, I will have more constant friends, rather than the ones I have here that I only see once a week or less, or the ones that I only see in class. I know that it takes time for me to make a core group of friends, because as much as I love to meet new people, it's hard for me to get them to stick to me.

It's really pretty here right now...the leaves have started to change color just a tiny bit, and when the sun hits the trees a certain way, it looks like the edges of the trees are glowing. I feel like I'm seeing in color for the first time...new colors, everywhere I look. And it'll only get prettier from here...fall hasn't even completely come into effect. The winter, apparently, will be monochromatic...bleak, maybe? I have a feeling I'll still find it beautiful, though. It's getting cold, though...it was a very sudden cold that came without much warning. Good thing today was a little warmer...I don't really own any winter clothing yet.

I don't understand how everyone looks so cute all the time! And I'm not saying just here...but college girls in general. Like our friends...everyone is so fashionable. I wish I had the money to afford more stylish clothes haha. I guess in time I will, too, become one of those "sophisticated" college girls. Let me find my strength, first. And let me get a job here.

My dorm is decorated for Halloween. I decorated while my roommate went home for the weekend. It makes me happy, seeing the streamers and posters I put up, and the pumpkin string lights my mom sent me.

I want to do a running hug...the happy reunion one. I saw one occur while I was walking to go eat dinner alone today, and it made me miss home. I used to do running hugs everyday in high school...now I don't even do normal hugs...just like once every few days, if I'm lucky. Oh well, in time I know I will. 

OK, Desperate Housewives is about to start. More to come tomorrow :)